I’m still trying to grow as a person.
My childhood was not great. Many times growing up I shrugged that fact off… because others have had it worse… because I didn’t want to identify myself with the child that happened to…
because allowing it to be a thing made me feel weak.
I wore a mask of capability. I presented the world with a face that said, “I can handle this.” All the while feeling a crippling wrongness inside. I was a puzzle piece that did not fit into this world.
I used to believe I would not live to be any older than twenty-three. That was the frame of time that I thought it would take the universe to realize the mistake of my existence. Something else would take me out of this world. I would not be responsible for it. I would not be to blame if that hurt others.
I’m thirty-two now.
I have outgrown my codependency with my mother, having seen myself only as an extension of her life. I have outgrown the codependency with my now ex-husband. For a long time the relationship worked. When I was a child within and needed to be taken care of, he provided for me the love and safety I never felt with my parents. But in that I gave up the full freedom of being myself. I accepted limitations on my experiences, not gracefully, but I allowed him to dictate how certain things would be.
I sacrificed my own happiness for him to be happy. I wore the mask. I returned to that place inside of unhappiness. Things added to it. Piled up. Stores of emotions left unattended since I was young. I no longer had thoughts about the universe taking me out of the equation. I thought, if this is how I’m going to feel for the rest of my life, why would I want to keep living?
I started talking to someone. I started working through issues I had never allowed myself to realize I had.
Now I’m no longer married. Now I’m living by myself for the first time in my life.
I’m still trying to grow as a person, but I feel I have a better foundation for doing so.
Men who can’t cook, clean, or even do their own laundry are not “cute” and “in need of a woman to care for them”. They are spoiled brats so dependent on gender roles that they never bothered to learn the minimal skills to take care of themselves.
l-azaruslady asked: Hey, I saw your comment on the breakfast comic and I was just wondering what you meant by the appropriation of trauma triggers
Basically, I’m talking about how Tumblr has adopted the concepts of triggers and trigger warnings from PTSD treatment and has misused these concepts in a way that’s to the detriment of those who actually have PTSD.
Tumblr’s use of trigger warnings totally implies that being triggered is the same thing as just being uncomfortable or finding a topic upsetting. But trauma triggers are more than that. They’re actually something that sets off a traumatic memory, which is an actual reliving of a traumatic event.
And that comic says “God, I feel so stupid. No one puts trigger warnings on breakfast.” Someone reblogged and said, “reasons why we don’t make fun of seemingly odd triggers.” But that’s the thing! It’s not an odd trigger at all. Actual trauma triggers are literally almost always sensory because they tend to have been part of the initial traumatic experience itself. They’re often a phrase or tone of voice, a scent, being touched a certain way, graphic depictions of similar events, certain foods, etc. Like breakfast.
And that’s why the appropriation of these concepts pisses me off so much. Most triggers are personal and individual, which makes them somewhat unavoidable, so trigger warnings are meant solely to forewarn of obvious potential triggers a person can’t reasonably see coming—like random graphic depictions or descriptions of rough sex or rape. But it’s really common on my dashboard to see people chastise others for not “TW:rape”-ing a post on rape statistics only to reblog rough porn gifs without any sort of warning an hour later. But if someone is going to be triggered by a post because it mentions rape statistics, then “TW: rape” is going to have the exact same effect on them. And they’re far more likely, in any case, to be triggered by the porn gifs than anything else. That’s how it works; if rationality or simple context had anything to do with it, warnings wouldn’t be necessary in the first place.
So, at this point, Tumblr’s appropriation of these phrases isn’t just uninformed to the point of uselessness, it’s actually become alienating to the very people whose condition the language is meant to describe and aid. No one should feel stupid because their trigger doesn’t line up with Tumblr’s well-meaning but totally asinine abuse of these phrases.
Reblog if you want anons to confess their dirty little secrets to you.
It’s been a while since I’ve experienced the catch 22…
When I was a teenager and I wanted a car, but I needed a job to get a car, but I needed a car to get to a job…
Or when I was a bit older and looking for work, but I needed experience to get a job, but I needed a job to get experience…
I applied for a loan to consolidate debts I built up while getting divorced and suddenly having to support myself in a new state without a job (I have one now)… but I have too many balances to get approved for a loan (despite being able to make all my payments), but I wouldn’t need a loan if I didn’t have too many balances…
I’m just trying to escape the interest charges so I can pay it off faster.
I want to live the debt-free life.